Made In Chelsea: S7E1 Review

Author: Mel Brownlee /

Ah, Made In Chelsea, how I have missed thee. Whenever I worry that I am becoming a completely incompetent, brainless waste of space I just wait for you lot to grace my TV screen again and it makes me feel so much better about myself. I love you all dearly, I must admit, for being such a pillar of everything that is wrong with modern day society!

But anyway, now that you are back I feel like it’s time to start putting my thoughts on your ridiculously over-the-top opulent antics into words, because I just find you all so painfully amusing that I cannot convey the depth of my entertainment by any other means!

Series 7 kicked off with Lucy Watson in a superbly lavish bathroom – how fabulous. Then she walks through the streets of Chelsea in slow motion - as does her bleached and balding ex-love Jamie Laing – so that we all know they are about to meet up and shit is going to hit the fan. As if that wasn’t cringe enough, Jamie actually tries to worm his way out of the crap he is in. Does he even know Lucy? And does he know that we all know what he did as he documented every single minute of it on social media? Oh yes, that’s right I forgot – Jamie is as thick as two short planks and actually believes he can convince us he is a humble and loyal man of good ethics, principles and morals. When really we all know he is just a wannabe Spencer minus the good(ish) chat.

Anyway, as can be expected she told him where to go – but I was a little disappointed, as I find myself always being by Miss Watson these days. She really isn’t the bitch everyone gives her credit for. She tries very hard to be, I will give her that, but she always falls short of being truly cruel. I guess it’s because she isn’t actually smart enough to be that cutting because she focuses the few brain cells she has on posing for lad’s mag’s and telling us all what she gets up to in bed. Nice one, Lucy, you have officially become as desperate and brain-dead as Louise.

So she walks out leaving Jamie bewildered and dumfounded – which really isn’t anything new to be honest as he perpetually looks like that. Which I guess is part of his charm? Or part of his act but then we have to consider the possibility that he may be intelligent in real life and that is just too much to fathom. 

Obviously rumours of infidelity are flying around as you just cannot have a reality TV show without some kind of cheating going on in almost every relationship. But this time it’s from a rather unexpected place – and by unexpected place I mean the perpetrator for once is not Spencer Matthews. Hopefully the good women of the world have woken up and realised he is nothing other than a lazy, googly-eyed twit with a rather small package. Yes Spenny, we have all seen the leaked photos!

No, this time it was Alex….what’s his surname? I’m not sure, but it’s Alex with the stupidly big bouffant hair who has been dating Binky. Fran and Cheska expressed their concern during a yoga class, with Fran saying the thought of her ex-love interest cheating on one of her best friends made her “feel sick” and Cheska admitting that she believed the rumours to be true. It was almost well scripted.

Meanwhile, Victoria decides she is going to take Cheska off her black list. How lovely of her – has she finally realised that every single viewer of MIC that hadn’t already turned against her definitely had by the end of the last season after her mindless and petty attack on Cheska over what should have been a merry Christmas dinner? Mark Francis and Rosie seemed to have jumped on the bandwagon by disassociating (Rosie in particular) themselves from Victoria and her poor behaviour. They wouldn’t want to tarnish their reputation by association, after all!

Jamie and Andy came to loggerheads over his treatment of Lucy and his inability to not throw the L word around as loosely as he does. He was his typical ignorant self and refused to take responsibility for the fact that he confessed his undying love for one woman, then a week later was off shagging 
every single thing he saw with a vagina that moved. And telling them that he loved them too. Shakespeare would be proud.

And I have decided to not even dignify that Victorias friend (still haven't bothered to learn her name) and her ridiculous party with a comment.

As always Mark Francis is the voice of wisdom and sheer class, charisma and intelligence. So I am not sure why he is wasting his time and talent on MIC?

Finally, Jamie realises that it’s time to start grovelling and strolls over to Lucy’s looking surprisingly smug and vaguely like a rabbit. In a hat. She accepts his apology but makes it clear they will only ever be friends, if that. I find myself constantly thinking “It’s neeeeever gona happen mate!” – I wonder if that’s because she keeps telling him it’s never going to happen? Go figure, because he certainly can’t.

The episode ends with what I can only describe as the biggest evasion tactic I have ever witnessed: Alex telling Binky he loves her. What marvellous timing, what a fantastic distraction method. Well done Alex, you really have upped your game – but you haven’t fooled me and by the looks of next week’s episode, you haven’t even fooled the most dim-witted person in Chelsea!

To finish this review, here is a list of things Spencer did during the episode to annoy me:

·         He states that he was actually rooting for best friend and ex-girlfriend Lucy and Jamie. He continuously makes me wonder why he takes us all for fools?

·         He said “samesies” with Andy. Oh my Christ.

·         And then he gave Jamie love advise. Lord help us all.

·         He said “lots of love” to another man.

·         He breathed.

Until next week!



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